How can couples get bored with a relationship? – healthmag.gr

What is Relational Anxiety?

Boredom is associated with lack of interest, apathy and restlessness. The cause of boredom has been attributed to suboptimal levels of stimulation (either too much or too little), familiarity and loss of meaning. Although usually associated with school and work environments, boredom is also seen in intimate relationships.

The destructive consequences of boredom-like states in relationships (eg, frustration, stagnation) have long been highlighted by clinicians working one-on-one with couples. Common features of these boredom-like relationship states include apathy, lack of enjoyment (fun and laughter), and feelings of confinement.

However, boredom does not always signal the end of the relationship. Relational boredom can also be seen as a dynamic, fluctuating state that can be responded to and corrected. One strategy to combat relationship boredom is to add novelty and excitement to the relationship (eg, vary your date night repertoire). Beneficial effects (eg, increased satisfaction, passion, sexual desire) for the relationship have been found by researchers when assessing exciting dating events in the laboratory and measuring them as they occur naturally in people’s everyday lives.

People are not expected to seek excitement in their relationships all the time. There are times when it would be better to engage in comfortable behaviors with a partner and other times when it would be better to explore outside of the comfort zone. A key relationship skill involves being attuned to the early signs of boredom in order to respond and prevent the relationship from spiraling into more serious stagnation.

Am I bored in my relationship?

Gauges to directly assess the needs and feelings of self and partner could be a welcome addition to people’s relationship toolkits, albeit in the realm of science fiction. For example, people could consult relationship meters and “fill the tank” with enthusiasm when the dial is low and prevent boredom. In the real world, people must rely on themselves to judge their relationship status and appropriate maintenance responses.

An important relationship judgment is: am I bored in my relationship? To answer this question, people rely on their expectations (ie, the bar they set for excitement). That is, instead of thinking of relational boredom as stemming from an objectively low level of excitement, it is better to think of it in terms of whether there is a gap between what people experience and what they ideally want. Expectation gaps in a relationship are considered undesirable, but they can also be used as a relationship diagnostic tool.

Types of empty expectations

Expectations in relationships can be divided into different categories, including growth (i.e., fun, excitement, adventure) and security (i.e., comfort, trust, and predictability). People differ in how much growth and security they want in their relationship at any given time. Some people may generally set the bar high for excitement, while others may prefer more routine and comfort in their relationship. Furthermore, even for people who set the bar higher for excitement, there may be times in their relationship (eg, illness) where the bar is set lower.

In a recent series of studies, we found that people were more likely to diagnose boredom in other people’s relationships and in their own if there were gaps in expectations for growth (low innovation and growth), but not security (low comfort and predictability). In other words, relationship boredom is a specific type of dissatisfaction, and other aspects of the relationship may remain satisfying.

Also, absolute low growth did not predict boredom diagnoses, rather, it was only if the individual did not meet their expectations (ie, faced an expectation gap) for growth. Low growth without an expectancy gap was not associated with boredom diagnoses.

Entertaining relationships _

Many factors are out of people’s control to have a happy relationship (eg external stressors, personality). However, one thing people can change is the way they interact with their partner. The first step is to be aware that you or your partner are feeling bored in the relationship. Ideally, people will figure this out in the early stages, before boredom sets in.

One specific thing people can do is imagine where the dial is on the relationship metrics, both for safety (comfort, predictability) and growth (fun, excitement), and assess whether there are significant expectation gaps. Once a person perceives an expectation gap, the next step is to take action, for example, by planning a date that you and your partner find original and exciting (ie, diversify your evening repertoire).