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A recent study has dispelled some myths about “reconciliation sex.” Research participants reported less satisfaction with sex that occurred on days when there was conflict in the relationship.
The sex life and well-being of the relationship can depend on actually dealing with the problems that arise, before the well-known “reconciliation sex”.
Make-up sex has been touted as a fun way to relieve frustration or anger from a conflict, as well as being restorative to the health of a relationship after an argument.
It has been associated with reducing stress, creating an emotional connection, relieving tense situations, resolving conflicts, restoring difficult situations to a sense of normalcy, and reassuring the partner that the commitment is still strong despite the differences.
But does the reality of make-up sex live up to its reputation? A recent study examined the issue using data obtained from newly married couples.
Maxwell and Meltzer (2020) wanted to explore the topic of make-up sex, a topic that they noted contains several cultural myths. First, they asked whether sex is more likely to occur on days when there is conflict between partners than on days when there is no conflict. Second, is sex that coexists with conflict more or less satisfying than that which occurs during periods without conflict? Third, how does gender affect it?
About 107 newlywed couples participated in the survey, completing a daily diary. The 214 individual participants provided 2,539 days of data. Each day, participants were asked to:
1. indicate if their partner did something they found unpleasant
2. if they had sexual intercourse that day
3. reporting the level of satisfaction with sex that day
4. rate how satisfied they were with their sex life each day, regardless of whether they were practicing
5. rate how satisfied they were with their partner and their marriage each day
Marital and sexual satisfaction were assessed at the six-month follow-up. The results of the collection of 2,539 diary records, in the first four months of marriage, included 494 days of conflict and 864 days of sex, with 140 days of sex and conflict co-occurring.
What were the findings?
Couples reported finding less satisfaction in sex that took place on conflict days – although sex has been found to relieve tension on conflict days. Furthermore, while conflict was not associated with sex on a given day, it was found to be unlikely to occur the day after a conflict event
In a study by Wade, Mogilski, and Shoenberg (2017), participants reported tactics for successfully resolving conflict in a relationship. Study 1 involved participants defining reconciliation behaviors.
Study 2 had participants rate each suggested behavior in terms of its effectiveness in resolving conflict and whether it was used as a tactic by their partner.
The men in the study were found to give more emphasis on “sexual resolution of tensions”, while female participants invest more in emotional ways. Women preferred an “apology” from their partner and sought an emotional response, such as crying. More generally, in the study, acts that show emotional commitment were found to be more effective in resolving relationship conflicts.
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